


Fearless of Ghosts, Terrified of Humans

by ChewieDaniels



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Depressive Thoughts, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/F, Holtzbert - Freeform, Hurt/Comfort, Protective Holtzmann, hurt erin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-07-28 17:32:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7650019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChewieDaniels/pseuds/ChewieDaniels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erin wasn’t scared of ghosts, what did scare her, however, were humans. Homo sapiens. Everyday people.</p><p>Erin is attacked while out walking late one night, will she be her typical self and say that she's alright even when she's clearly not? Or will she allow help from her fellow busters (more so Holtzmann) to help pick her back up again?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, British girl writing American characters here! I've read through and I think it sounds American (if that makes sense) but if there's a phrase or something in here that sounds like I've been having lunch with the Queen then please do inform me.
> 
> First time writing these characters so I may still have work to do to make the characteristics right.

Erin _loved_ New York City. She was never a big people person which made her even more nervous when she first moved to the city; she would often ramble when forced into conversations with people that she hadn’t mentally prepared. Especially growing up in the suburbs everyone wanted to stop and chat, for which nine times out of ten it often ended with her embarrassing herself, or worse; her parents.  After the incident with their neighbour dying and Erin’s ‘hallucinations’, as her parents called it, of seeing her in her bedroom every night, they pretty much condemned her from talking to anyone in their neighbourhood, and wouldn’t allow her to join them to any events the family had been invited to in fear that people would find out they were harbouring the ‘neighbourhood weirdo’. She soon found out that the best thing to do was to start telling people what they wanted to hear; telling her parents she was silly to believe in such things as ghost, allowed her to be free to leave the house and to talk ‘freely’; telling her therapists she was no longer seeing dead people freed her from all her medications, telling the guidance counsellor at school that she was fine and healthy again, freed her from prying eyes that were filled with suspicion of her to be a potentially  ‘dangerous student’.  

When Erin was finally free from her parents reign - free from the psychical reign, yes. Free from the mental strain her parents put on her to be ‘normal’, no. -  walking around the city the first time she realised it was nothing like home, the people walking around didn’t want to exchange pleasantries, all they wanted was to get from A to B with minimal conversation and distraction. Every single person was in their own bubble here, whether it is the earphones blocking out the noises of the world, the sunglasses blocking out potentially dangerous eye contact with a stranger or just someone walking around obviously caught up in their own little world in their head. Erin was a person prone to the latter; she loved walking around and being too caught up in her head with equations, a mass sale on tiny bowties she saw online, or thinking of some limited yet magical time she had spent with a certain someone and suddenly coming back to the real world realizing that she had turned up at her destination, not remembering actually travelling to it.

Late one night Erin decided she needed to walk away from her whiteboard; the equations weren’t working out no matter what angle she tried to go from.  Going to bed wasn’t an option; she would never be able to sleep with work left especially when she’s so close to a breakthrough, so she decided for a midnight snack and a mini walk to the 24 hour deli shop a few blocks over to clear her head. With the decision made, she put down her marker, and pushed the hair away from her tired eyes while blowing out a puff of frustrated air in an attempt to calm herself down.

Patty and Abby had long gone to bed, and Kevin had yet to return from a hide and seek tournament he had gone to two days prior; the group decided to leave it another few hours before they file a missing person report. Erin made her way towards Holtzmann; walking up behind her, Erin paused for a second taking in Holtzmann’s body as it swayed to Careless Whisper playing from her radio, Holtzmann had a tendency to play the more gentle 80’s music on the nights that Erin stayed up late working as she had observed that Erin’s brain, when tired, processes calculations at a faster rate when less intense music plays.  Erin wrapped her arms around Holtzmann from behind, resting her chin on top of her head; “I need to get out of here, my brain is fried, I need to look at something different for a bit,” Erin murmured. She had a knack for being able to hug her Holtz and talk and breathe without inhaling any of her wild mane, not like at the beginning of their relationship when she constantly chocked on it. “You want a sandwich?” She asked with a kiss to Holtzmann’s temple and resting their cheeks together to get a better look at the project she was working on.

“…err…give me 15 minutes and I can come with… currently trying to remove contaminants to get uranium-235—“

“You’re making a bomb?!” Erin cut in, letting go and taking a large step backwards.

“No, no. No boom, miniature boom…small poof at best,” Holtzmann explained, swivelling around in her chair to see that her warmth had stepped away, she frowned. “Like I said; 15 minutes and I’ll go with you.”

“It’s okay Holtz, I was gonna go by myself to clear my head. I’d rather you stay here until that… _thing_ was safely enriched and finished,” Holtzmann was about to cut in and object. “Don’t worry, I’ll be back by the time you’ve finished you won’t even know I’m gone, and look! I’ll be safe,” Erin reached into her pocket and pulled out the trusty Swiss army knife. “Do you want anything?”

“Pickles, cream cheese, meat. _All_ the meats.”  

Erin gave her the two finger salute, Holtzmann laughed at that, to confirm she understood her order. With a quick kiss to the lips Erin was headed towards the stairs and out the doors; “I’ll be back in a jiffy!” she called out behind her.

Holtzmann went back to her project, but keeping a firm eye on the time.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

With the fire station behind her, Erin let her mind wander, letting it be free to think of anything, trusting her feet to get her to the destination.

Just as she had expected, the deli was almost completely dead except for a drunken couple loudly musing through the menu on the wall in an attempt to decide what to eat. Without a hassle, Erin brought their sandwiches and headed back out, the walk here had taken her long than expected. Holtz is probably too busy to realise how long she’s taken, Erin thinks to herself.

Her mind begins to eander once again and she remembers showering with Holtzmann one time and offering to wash her hair for her, Holtz was more than happy to accept her offer, reaching to pass her the hand soap so she could begin. Erin realised that her hair was softer then she would have expected it to be, especially when it had air dried fully. With Holtz’s head lying in Erin’s lap she ran her fingers through it, “uh, Holtz…? Can I…can I play with your hair?” Erin asked nervously, she had only ever seen her hair up in her infamous do or down and out of control when it was just the two of them together. To say that Holtz was eager and excited to have Erin play with her hair was an understatement; she shot up with a wide grin and wiggled around until she was comfortably sat between Erin’s legs. They laughed so hard that night, the crazy hairstyles she tried on Holtzmann were priceless and the best part of all wa—

Erin was lurched backwards out of her pleasant thoughts, into a dark and dingy ally. She was too caught up in her head that she didn’t realise where she was walking, trying to let out a scream she realised she couldn’t; a hand covering her mouth rendered her incapable of doing so. With great force, with one hand around her neck and one covering her mouth, she is pushed hard against a wall – a bang to the back of the head that she will definitely be feeling later. Erin’s brain went into turmoil; she’s been attacked before, yes but by ghosts, never humans. Her breathing began to quicken, she pleaded with him as best she could for her attacker to let her go.

“Shut the fuck up now, lady!” the attacker bit back.

“Well, well, well; lookey what we have here,” said another voice as the figure emerged from the shadows. Erin realised she was outnumbered; she knew she was truly done for. The second attacker walked up close to her, personal space no longer existed, “now tell me, what is a _fine_ and respectful woman like yourself doing walking through these _dark_ and _lonely_ streets?” the dirty, greasy sneer plastered on that man’s face showed he was obviously feigning concern for her safety. Walking closer he grabbed some of her hair and sniffed it; “you sure are pretty.” His hand trailed down her side and she expected the worse, she whimpered and pleads. His hand stopped and the waistband of her jeans for a few seconds too long and instead carried on into her pockets; pulling out her, phone, wallet, and finally the Swiss army knife. He brought the knife eye to his eye line and inspected it “Oh I do love a woman who thinks she’s prepared to handle me,” opening the knife, his grin grew wider only for a few seconds before a switch was flipped and it was like he was staring at the scum of the earth, he put the knife to her throat “but if you so much as remember our face we will find you, we will hurt everyone you care about and we’ll make you watch.”

Erin was totally sobbing at this point, her face was soaked with tears, her air was slowly being more and more restricted but she knew it was best to tell them what they wanted to hear; she vigorously nodded _yes!_

She’s dropped to the ground unexpectedly and her knees give way at the surprise force; she’s left on her hands and knees. With a hard kick from each of the attackers and some threats about not coming after them or going to the cops, she’s left alone lying on the floor with the wind knocked out of her.

Erin ran, she ran faster than she’s ever done in her life and when she turned up at the fire station she slammed the door behind her and leaned against it to get her breathing back to normal. She must have been down there a while because Holtzmann slid down the fire pole to investigate her lack of sandwich that should have been brought to her. “yo, Gilbert you got the _stuff_?” Holtz asked as if they were exchanging a suspicious package, Erin didn’t answer. “Hello? Earth to Gilbert…to my bae, to my one true love!” Holtz sung out when there was another extended silence from Erin. She noticed something wasn’t quite right with her girlfriend now, slowly walking closer to her with her hand reaching forward “hey, Erin…? Are you okay?”

Erin didn’t want to be touched; she jumped back before Holtzmann’s hand had a chance to touch her “wha..? Oh right, yeah. Sandwich. Here.” She shoved a tattered bag into Holtzmann’s grasp.

“Why is your face wet? And—“

“It was raining, I’m going to bed” Erin interrupted and shouted behind her as she bounded up the stairs.

“Then why is your…” Holtzmann heard their bedroom door slam “hair dry?”


	2. Don't Let The Cracks Show

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive any grammer/spelling mistakes; whether they be incorrect or just simply spelt British, I apologize.

Erin knew she had cut Holtz off with the slamming of their bedroom door but she didn’t care; she couldn’t let Holtzmann see her break. When she slammed her door she instinctively locked it; something that she had never done before but she was just so damn _terrified._ Her whole body was shaking and she just wanted nothing more than to hide, telling herself to forget and get over it, move on – she turned on Holtzmann’s stereo on full volume, she had insisted to move it into Erin’s room when she moved in too, saying that she had to be able to groove in all rooms of the fire house. Ironically it was Walking On Sunshine that blasted out from the speakers, the contrast the song had with every emotion that Erin was feeling was enough to push her over the edge, without a care Erin scrambled for her bed still clad in her clothes from that day and she crumbled; luckily the music was playing because the noises that racked from her body as she sobbed were truly inhumane. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed, her body hurt her from the attack and her face hurt from crying, there was no way she simply fell asleep; the only way for her to of shut her eyes was to pass out with sheer exhaustion.

Holtz stepped back from her work table around 30 minutes later, she soon realised that it would be impossible for her to work as her mind kept wandering back to how strange Erin was acting when she arrived back from her walk, she decided to head to bed too, to spend some time with Erin before they would have to start a new day of work.

Upon arriving at their bedroom door with her hand on the handle she realised that their bedroom was locked, she didn’t even realise they had a lock. She knocked on the door and called through for Erin to unlock it, no answer. Holtzmann knew that their room was soundproof, she made it so herself when Patty and Abby complained how loud they were being, now Holtz thinks she done too much of a good job because she can’t hear shit. Having enough of waiting around she pulled out her trusty lock picking kit, a necessity she feels one needs to always keep with them, she opened the door with ease and was greeted by her morning jam, Walking On Sunshine, playing at an overwhelming volume. Quickly shutting the stereo off she stripped down to her boxers on the way to their bed, she climbed over Erin’s sleeping form and went into her nightly jet pack position, wrapping her arms around Erin from behind and holding on tight. However, as soon as she made contact with Erin’s skin Erin jumped back from her touch, now wide awake and looking completely panicked.

“Hey, hey, it’s just me…What’s going on with you?” Holtz asked calmly, thinking it best to not try and touch her but calm her down like she would when she tries to calm down stray cats she sees in the ally.

“…I err...I…It’s nothing. Bad dream, I think I’m coming down with something…maybe we shouldn’t stay too close to each other” Erin said whilst making her way to climb out of the bed.

“Nonsense! I’ve been vomit free since ’93. Bacteria do _not_ want to mess with a Holtzmann antibody,” She paused, giving Erin time to walk back but she didn’t. “Come ‘ere, Gilbert.” Holtz made grabby hands towards her and Erin complied; climbing back into their bed she didn’t face away from Holtz for their typical spooning session but instead buried her face into her neck, she wrapped her arms so tightly around Holtzmann; Holtz had the breath momentarily knocked out her but she didn’t have the heart to tell Erin to loosen her grip because judging by the fast and sharp breathing from Erin that she can feel on her neck, it’s safe to say that Erin isn’t doing okay. The only thing she feels she can do at that moment is to wrap her arms around Erin and practically pull her so she’s laying on top of her, Erin then wraps her legs around Holtzmann, practically straddling her, making herself as small as possible, she whispers comforting words into her ears and plants occasional kisses to her head and face, not once letting her go even once Erin has fallen into an unsettled slumber on top of Holtzmann, her grip doesn’t loosen. Whether Erin is actually getting sick or it’s something different, Holtzmann will wait, she will be there for Erin no matter what.

Early the next morning Holtzmann woke, but Erin was not in her arms like when she was when she fell asleep. Holtz opened her eyes to find that Erin was already awake and sat up in bed leaning against the headboard, Erin had yet to realise that Holtzmann had awoke so she used this time to her advantage and she simply watched her, she studied her face and she noticed that although Erin was here in their bedroom, she wasn’t actually _here_ ; her mind was somewhere else completely. Her brow was furrowed, and her lips in a slight frown but her eyes were the worst to look at; Holtz loved Erin’s eyes, they were so big and soft and just so _happy!_ But not right now, the only thing Holtzmann could see in those eyes was sadness and pure terror. In an attempt to ground her and bring her back to the present Holtz slipped in hand in Erin’s and laced their fingers together pulling her hand to her lips and giving it a kiss.

“Well good morning, beautiful. I didn’t think I’d see you awake before me, have you been up for long?” she pulled Erin down towards her, she kissed her cheeks, nose, forehead, before finishing with a big kiss on the mouth, pulling away afterwards so that their noses were touching.

Erin smiled at her love, “about 5 minutes, I think…” _Wrong._ Erin thought, _more like 4 hours. Don’t kid yourself, Gilbert. The space station is able to see the bags under your eyes._ Her smile faulted but she composed herself before Holtzmann caught it.

There was a long pause, they lay there just enjoying being wrapped in each other’s arms before Holtzmann surprised her; “You know I love you, right? I know I don’t say it often and we’re not that affectionate outside of these 4 walls but I love you so, so much and nothing is going to change that, I know you’re not feeling like you right now and I don’t know why but just know that I will be here when you’re ready to let me in. I won’t push you but I’m asking you to not push me away…”

Erin just starred at Holtzmann with her eyes wide, all she wants to do is cry and tell her everything, to tell her how scared she is, not for her own safety but for Holtz, Patty, Abby and hell, even Kevin because these 4 people have become more of her family than her biological family. All she can do is dream and think that they will find them and make her watch as they do the unimaginable to them, it makes her sick to her stomach but she doesn’t want to plague the others with paranoia, she doesn’t want to see them scared. If they found out that she wasn’t able to protect herself then they would never look at her the same, she’s a _Ghostbuster_ for Pete’s sake! This only happened because she’s weak. That’s it, she’s the weak link of the group; they’re forever protecting her and picking her up. How had she not noticed this before?! Oh my god, how embarrassing! “…I know, and I love you more. But there’s nothing going on, I’m fine. Honestly.” was all she decided to say.

“Well aren’t you just a big ol’ liar,” Shit, she knows. “because, I know for a fact that I love you more and that I am _clearly_ the reacher in this relationship, whereas you are the settler. I really struck gold with you, Gilbert. I’m sorry you had to settle for a crazy engineer.” Holtz kisses Erin’s nose and jumps out of bed. “Right, m’lady I’m going to go and make you breakfast in bed, you just stay right here an—“

“NO!” Erin scrambles to stand up next to Holtz. “No, no please don’t leave me here; I’ll just go with you”

To say that Holtzmann was deeply concerned would be an understatement, she simply stared at Erin for a moment with a whirlwind of thoughts going about in her mind and she turned serious; “Erin, you’re really starting to worry me now,”

“Jillian,” Erin only uses this when she’s either mad at Holtz or just wants to her take her seriously so she thinks by using it now will help her case. “There is absolutely nothing to worry about. I just miss you is all. I want to spend more time together.” She steps forward and links both of their hands waiting to see if Holtz believes her.

Holtz doesn’t believe everything is fine but she does trust Erin so she doesn’t push it any further. “Oh shucks, Gilbert you’re making me blush!”

Erin laughs and allows Holtzmann to pull her by her hand to the kitchen. Only when she’s free from Holtz’s gaze does she allow her face to fall back to its emotionless state. _Don’t let the cracks show_ Erin thinks to herself.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I'm so sorry about the late upload, the new Harry Potter book came out and apparently so did my inner 12 year old as I locked myself away to read the book. 
> 
> I hope this chapter ties you over until the next one is out! 
> 
> Also, is "For Pete's sake a term used in America or just England? I was a little worried when I wrote that phrase in there.
> 
> Kudos, comments and suggestions are always welcome :)


	3. Shut Down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all can I say a big big thank you to everyone who has read, commented, bookmarked, or left kudos. I'm a nervous one (especially when it comes to writing fanfic as the people who are reading it are those who enjoy the franchise/OTPs enough to search for it, so the pressure is really on), but you guys have been so encouraging and welcoming I can't thank you enough!

Erin hadn’t really had many relationships in the past, so she had nothing to compare her behaviour to. She would never think of herself to be particularly clingy, she knew for a fact that she wasn’t clingy at the beginning of their relationship, there was no way that she could have been because they were keeping their under the radar from prying eyes. You see, both Erin and Holtzmann thought it would be best to keep their relationship a secret at first. Although they both had undeniably strong feelings for each other, they were both concerned that when they actually started dating that there was a chance that the relationship wouldn’t work and they didn’t want things to get awkward with the team.

Their sneaking around had lasted a record amount of time up until one day when the team were sat eating lunch at the table when Kevin blurted out; “are you two Lebanese or something?” wagging a finger between Erin and Holtz.

There was an array of reactions from the Ghostbusters at this moment; Patty chocked on her sandwich, whether she was coughing or doing a wheezing laugh they do not know. Abby, being the good friend she was, only slightly faulted mid wonton count but carried on as if nothing happened in order to spare the couple any embarrassment. Erin looked like she hadn’t breathed in about 40 years as she sat there looking shell-shocked with noodles hanging from her mouth; and Holtzmann, well she just had a shit eating grin on her face looking around the table.

Maybe Kevin didn’t notice their reactions because he carried on; “yeah, ‘round midnight the other night I went up to the lab for my nightly toasted marshmallows snack with the blowtorch and I saw you two up there going at it. Was gonna sneak in and grab my blowtorch and be on my way but Erin, you were kind of sat on it and I didn’t wanna ruin the heat of the moment,” A slight pause as he waited for someone to answer his suspicions “Oh but don’t worry though, my sister is Lebanese and she’s got a stella wife so you’re both cool with me!” He gave them a thumbs up and an innocent grin.

“Oh Kev, sweet, sweet Kev I’m a lesbian not Lebanese. LEZZ-BEE-ANNE” Holtz tried sounding the word for him in order to make it easier to understand.

“Wh-what, no, no, no, Kevin NO! I’m not a lesbian, I don’t know what you saw but I think you might need to get some glass for those glasses of yours!” Erin frantically tried to fix this.

“Oh baby, come on, we know. We’ve known about you two for a _long_ time now and that’s okay, we love you two just the same. You know we don’t focus on labels here.” Patty reached across the table to place a comforting hand on top of Erin’s.

“Kevin using the blowtorch I wanna come back to; but sweetie you two haven’t exactly been ninjas when it comes to keeping this off the radar.” Abby said.

“And please for the love of God soundproof your damn room or quiet the fuck down. Your sweet young love was cute at first but I need my beauty rest and no one will come between that or you will be facing the wrath of Patty.” Her threat was joking but the intentions were clear; Holtz was already thinking of the best soundproofing materials she can use for the maximum results. 

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Every Sunday the busters do a weekly grocery shop, they all have such diverse taste buds it’s just easier if they all go together. It had been 15 hours since Erin was attacked and she feels like shit; she’s tired, she hurts mentally and psychically and she’s fucking terrified. She feels like she’s become the clingy girlfriend that she swore she would never be in a relationship but this is her first time leaving the fire house since the incident. Not dressed in her usual tweed attire but instead all of Holtzmann’s…well the least crazy items of clothing; Erin picked out the large and more baggier items as she felt that being swallowed up in the big clothes will help her go more unnoticed, and then there’s also the fact it all smells like Holtzmann and Erin finds that extremely comforting. On their way to the store in the car when they were sat down Erin even went so far as to reach her arm out so we was holding onto Holtzmann’s jacket as she drove, not wanting to lose contact with her in fear that she will leave her.

Upon arriving at the supermarket the girls got out of the car all except Erin, she didn’t think she would be able to make it this far from home but she wasn’t entirely sure she was able to go any further; maybe her and Holtz can stay behind and wait in the car. Before she had any time to go into a full panic attack her door opened causing Erin jump out of her skin, she didn’t even realise Holtz had made her way round to her door.

“Come on, Gilbert. You ready to go in or are you going to wait in the car? I can crack a window open and put on some sweet tunes while you wait.” Holtz _knew_ that Erin didn’t want to be on her own right now and that’s exactly why she asked if she wanted to stay in the car; reverse psychology and it prompted Erin to make the decision on her own to join them in the store.

“No, I’ll go,” Erin agreed, reaching to grasp Holtz’s outstretched hand and making their way inside together hand in hand.

Once inside Abby took off in a beeline mumbling something about the ingredients to soup and Patty bid them a brief farewell after informing them she’s going to pick them up some fruits and vegetables because she’s can’t trust any of the others to pick up any sensible food.

“To the confectionary aisle!” Holtz exclaimed charging forward at full speed pulling Erin behind her.

Erin was too busy laughing at her Holtz that she didn’t even realise how much the running was hurting her bruised, and possible fractured, ribs. When they stopped in front of Holtz’s desired food, her face pulled at the twinges of pain but she placed a hand over the source as if that action would help ease the pain.

“…because you know how much Kevin likes to steal from stash so I need to start buying in bulk. Stay Puff marshmallows are the only ones I will eat, help me find them.”

“Oh they’re down here,” Erin bent down to the bottom shelf to pick up the marshmallows but she must have stood up too quickly as she forgot about the bash to her head hours earlier and her sudden movement made her go completely dizzy; her limbs felt like lead and she just collapsed to the floor like a rag doll.

“Shit Erin!” Holtz tried to catch her but didn’t act fast enough before Erin’s body hit the floor, she ran forward and slid to her knees at Erin’s head, lifting it onto her laps. She was conscious, Holtz was at least thankful for that, but she was drowsy and slightly delirious, mumbling pleas to help her. “You’re alright, sweetheart,” brushing the hair away from her now sweaty forehead, “Someone HELP!” she shouted down the empty aisle, “I’m here, you’re safe, you’re okay.”

Erin now had her head turned and was sobbing into Holtz’s lap, “I don’t w-wanna be here…I-I just wanna goooo!” She wailed that last one and a fresh wave of sobs wracked through her body. Holtz knew she was talking about wanting to leave the store but she couldn’t help but think that there was a deeper meaning there and that truly broke Jillian’s heart.

Luckily, Abby and Patty were noble citizens because they came running at the single cry for help, they sprinted faster down the aisle after seeing who it was lying on the ground.

“What happened? Is she okay? Should I call an ambulance?” Abby asked frantically already reaching for her phone.

All the while Patty had crouched down by Erin’s legs placing a hand down with some soothing rubbing in order to calm her down. “Hey baby girl, let’s slow your breathing down and dry those tears, what hurts?” Erin simply shook her head and curled tighter into Holtzmann.

“No, I don’t think we need to call an ambulance, she said she wasn’t feeling too hot earlier. I think we just need to take her home and see how it goes from there if we need to take her to the hospital.” She looked down towards Erin, “Hey sweetie, do you think you can stand up? We can walk to the car and go home…just forget about this place and leave. That sound good?” Erin nodded, sniffing but now with silent tears. ”Patty can you quickly grab a bottle of water and maybe a candy bar?”

“Low blood sugar, I got you, Holtzy!” Patty hurried off to collect and buy the items.

“’kay, Erin we’re gonna slowly sit you up now but not too fast, take your time, that’s it. Hey, Abby? Can ya lend a hand here, thanks” Abby grabbed Erin to slowly pull her up into a standing position which gave Holtzmann the chance to stand up herself.

Erin’s head was still swimming and her ribs hurt like a bitch; it was obvious she was going to need help standing. Holtz understood this and went to pull Erin’s arm up and around her shoulder for support but stopped when Erin hissed in pain at the movement and she settled for something more comfortable; winding her arm around Erin’s waist pulling her closer allowing her to fully support all of her weight as they slowly made their way out of the store.

Without so much of a word, Holtz handed the keys to Abby before she opened Erin’s door in the back and helped her sit down. Once in, Erin sat down, completely rigid, staring straight ahead; it was as if she wasn’t in her body anymore, as if she was in shut down mode. Holtzmann climbed into the other side of the backseat, not 2 seconds after Patty arrived, passing back the desired items Holtzmann requested and then the team where off, headed back to the fire house after an eventful, you could say, grocery trip.

The entire ride home Holtzmann tried to coax Erin into eating the candy bar or drinking the water, considering she didn’t eat the breakfast that she had made for her that morning. Erin again claimed that the loss of appetite was due to her not feeling well but the more she used that excuse, the less Holtzmann believed her, she knew she had to get to the root of the problem now, she couldn’t bear to see Erin in this state much longer.

She knew Erin suffered with horrible anxiety and she catered to that as best as she could; she asked what she needed when she felt like she was losing control, she grounded her when she was having a panic attack, she didn’t touch her when Erin couldn’t bear the thought of someone invading her already claustrophobic personal space, she watched and checked over her even when she wasn’t asked to. After struggling with anxiety and depression, along with her messed up childhood, Erin had a tendency to shut down; the worst case was when they were busting a ghost in an abandoned asylum, they all laughed at first with how cliché it was. It was all fun and games until they found out that the ghost they had been busting was that of an old doctor who used to work there that would perform inhumane and secret experiments on his patience. Erin being the unlucky person she was was the buster to get caught and restrained to a bed as the doctor was explaining his new experiments he was excited to try. She was saved in the nick of time but the events had pushed forward some memories that she had deeply repressed. Erin didn’t leave her bed for a week after that, it got the point in which she had shut down into herself so much that Holtz had to not only bathe her but had to also blend all of her foods to get her to gradually sip to get some kind nutrients throughout the days. That week the team found out how damaged Erin’s childhood really was. Holtzmann wanted to do _everything_ in her power to not let her get that bad again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I've been watching so many of Leslie's snapchats lately, that I kind of mixed both hers and Patty's voices here so I really do apologize! 
> 
> Kudos, comments and suggestions purifies my skin and keeps me young!
> 
> Also before I start rambling on; I would really love to start writing more Holtzbert so feel free to send me prompts (they can be as vague or detailed as you want!) on here or on my tumblr - chewiedaniels.tumblr.com or if you don't want to send a prompt then you can just follow me on there because everyone on that site seems to have friends on there I don't so...befriend me! 
> 
> (Literally every social media -Instagram, Twitter, etc- I have the same username so feel free to hit me up)
> 
> Hope you enjoy this until next time! :)


	4. Wonderland

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was this tumblr user (I'm not sure if she wants to be named) that sent me the most sweetest message about enjoying my story and I guess this chapter I kind of dedicated to you because I was having serious writers block and self doubt and you really helped me, so thank you my lovely :)

Holtz panics. She never panics, she _thinks_ , she's a rational thinker. So when she realises she's started to panic, she panics even more. Shit shit shit. She's realised Erin is almost down the rabbit hole and who knows when she'll return back from wonderland. Erin and Abby always called it shut down mode but Holtz thought that was too much of a clinical term so she preferred wonderland; not because she believes that Erin's mind has went to a particularly _wonderful_  place like Alice did, but more so to the part in wonderland that plays cruel tricks on your mind and puts you through absolute torment as you agonisingly try and find your way out of there. She's never told Erin that's why she calls it wonderland; she also believes that by giving it a more innocent name that it'll make it less daunting and scary therefore making Erin able to cope with going through the 'shut down' phases easier. She's a woman of science but she's a believer of using the power of positive thinking.

Erin didn't respond to her when she told her that they had made it to the firehouse. She didn't respond to the prodding touches and the hands trying to pull her to a standing position. Erin wasn't _there_  anymore, only her body, or her transportation as Holtzmann liked to call it. Holtz pulled her from the car when they parked; Erin was empty with just clammy skin and a thousand year stare had no control of what she was doing at this point; Holtz had practically taken all of Erin's weight as she didn't trust her to stand on her own but she didn't want to put her through any unnecessary embarrassment by carrying her inside either.

Patty stuck close behind the couple ready to help if need be but so far navigating Erin's transportation turned out to much easier than last time. Abby had carried on ahead to unlock the station as well as to get a head start on phoning for dinner, chicken noodle soup for Erin as Abby believed that to be the cure for any sickness, and to find the thermometer, and to check to see what medicines and supplies they had in the cabinet — she really kicked herself for not checking if they were fully stocked sooner — it was safe to say that Abby's mom-o-meter was getting higher by the minute.

With great ease Holtzmann was able to lead Erin through the first floor but hit an impasse; the stairs. You see, although Holtz and Erin spend a lot of time on the second floor, their bedroom is actually on the third floor. As Holtzmann has her arm around Erin holding her up she thinks about the best way to tackle carrying Erin up 3 flights of stairs without killing herself with pure exhaustion. Erin is in no way heavy but Holtz really isn't strong; there's a weird illusion people have when it comes to scrap metal - they all think it's heavy so seeing Holtz carrying it around they assume she's strong and that couldn't be further from the truth. All the while she's thinking she barely even has time to comprehend the loss of warmth in her arms she notices that Erin is gone. Kevin, when he had came back from his tournament she wasn't sure, had walked up, seen the mess Erin was in and simply picked her up bridal style.   
"Where d'you want her, boss?" Kevin flashed her his happy go lucky smile and Holtz's heart melted. He wasn't the sharpest knife in the kitchen but what he lacked in smarts he made up for with love and loyalty for the team and Holtz had never been more thankful for him. But Holtz would be lying if she said she wasn't thankful for those muscles of his; often he was the only other person to help her cart their equipment around and today he's carting around her very zonked out girlfriend.

They walked in silence to the third floor and only spoke when she thanked him at the top of the stairs for helping out. Holtzmann took control again leading Erin to the bathroom and sitting her on top of the toilet seat while she went to run her a bath.

Walking back over Holtz kneeled in front and put her hands on either side of Erin's face; "Erin? Erin can you hear me?" No response. She wasn't even sure if Erin had blinked at all. "okay, well I'm going to touch you now, please don't be frightened, don't worry it's just me." It's a sad reality that she has to say every step of what she's going to do out loud in order not to provoke anymore panic. She cautiously undresses her and brings her to the bath, all the while Erin's arms have been protectively wrapped around herself, conveniently concealing the black and blue marks that trailed along her ribs.

Holtzmann takes a lot of time and care to be as gentle as possible whilst she washes Erin. As she taken the the position of sitting in the tub hugging her knees to her chest she can tell that Erin is scared but of what she isn't sure. She soothes her clammy skin by running the shower head over her body up to her head and wets her hair, pushing it away from her face. All too calm and tranquil the calming moment is ruined when she realises that the water running down from Erin's head is running red; meaning one thing - _blood_.

"What the...?" Holtzmann put down the shower head to investigate. Running her hands carefully through Erin's hair she tried to find the source. Just by experience she can tell that the blood running out of her hair was previously dried blood rather then a still opened wound. Her suspicions are confirmed when she comes across a hard lump the size of a golf ball with a superficial cut; not a serious injury but they bleed a hell of a lot. She assumed that maybe she had hit her head on the way down she she passed out at the store.

As her hands brushed over the bump she receives the first response from Erin since they were at the store. "Please." So faint Holtz almost missed it; "no...please...I won't, I won't tell..." Holtz didn't know if she was talking to her or to herself but she listened to any indication of how she can help, her concern was growing fast. "Please don't kill me".

Well that's a red flag, Holtz thought. "Oh boy," Holtz said more so to herself as she grabbed a cool washcloth to dab along Erin's forehead head in attempt to bring her back, Holtz will try anything at this point. Murmuring calming words that she pretty much can say in her sleep because the sheer amount of times she's done this routine, she didn't even realise that Erin has stopped talking to herself but instead began rocking back and forth.

Erin tried to break out of the numbness that she was being held captive in, the more she tried, the more panicked she got.

A deep keening sound erupted from the back of Erin's throat, it disturbed Holtzmann's half trance that she was in enough for her to lift her head up quickly at the sound of pure agony. Absolutely stunned by the sudden change in behaviour, she watched as Erin’s chest violently heaved as her breathing quickened and the sound of despair turned into terrified screams. Breaking out of her daze, she attempted to make her open her eyes, to ground her and tell her that she’s alive and safe. Nothing was working.

Without giving it a second thought, Holtzmann climbed into the tub behind her fully clothed. Erin was sitting between her legs and her back to Holtz's chest, she pinned her swinging arms to her sides before she hurt herself and placed her hands on her knees, allowing Erin to tightly grip onto her pants as the lack of oxygen started to become painful for her and Holtz begun. Calmly, yet sternly she started talking to Erin to bring her back into the now,

“C’mon, I want you to breathe with me; we’ll slow this down together. Feel my chest, feel it moving in and out. Breathe like me…breathe like me. Come back to me, I know it hurts; be strong sweetheart, it’ll pass…it’ll pass.” A long pause filled with the sound of Erin’s painful breathing, her legs squirming and her hands were grabbing Holtzmann's pants in tight fists as her chest heaved with the agonizing restriction but Holtz continued, placing her hand on the middle of her chest, trying to make their breathing match, she wasn’t giving up on her. “Don’t do this to me; you can’t leave me here…not again. I love you. Fear is feeding; don’t be afraid of what’s happening. Believe this is going to pass, believe it! Just wait, don’t be afraid, the air is coming. Believe. We don’t have to be afraid. It’s about to pass, here it comes, don’t be afraid. Here comes the air.” The fisted hands slowly loosen and eventually let go, her body little by little slumping against Holtz’s, she’s getting through to her. “Don’t be afraid, Erin. Feel my chest, breathe with me. Together. The air is going to our lungs.” A deep, emotional sigh from Erin; “Together.” Her hand on her chest wraps around her torso, hugging them together, resting her cheek on her head still breathing deeply, her voice begins to crack. “We’re the same…we’re the same. C’mon sweetheart.” Erin’s breathing is still slightly elevated but is steadily slowing.

"Jillian..?" The broken whisper is barely audible leaving Erin's lips but Holtzmann got it.

"Let's get outta here, huh?" Holtz suggested with a kiss to the top of her head. She stepped out first, helping Erin out after her.

Although Erin was no longer in wonderland, she was still a bit dazed and very tired from her episode that she still requires a lot of Holtzmann's help. She's currently sat on their bed, a towel wrapped around herself as tight as can be whilst her eyes follow Holtz as she whizzes around the room trying to get dried and dressed in some kind of record time. Once in a baggy tee and boxers she makes her way back to Erin with some fresh clothes in hand and begins to help her dress; Erin completely forgetting about the state of her torso accepts the clean shirt and the help to change into it, drops her towel and with great difficulty raising her arms — as it pulls painfully on the ribs — and begins to dress.

Holtzmann has a keen eye and she spots it. The black and blue marks that line the cloud of angry red coating Erin's torso; the lumps that are clearly protruding under the cluster of colours indicating several fractures makes Holtzmann feel sick to her stomach because these are marks that are caused at the fault of another person; not by the fall that she saw Erin take earlier. To preserve Erin's modesty and to make her feel as comfortable as possible she quickly dresses her because she needs answers and she needs them *now*.

Sitting in front of her on the bed she nervously asks, not entirely sure if she wants the answers; she places her hands on Erin's knees, "Erin," a long pause as she thinks how to word this next, "the other night...with the sandwiches, did something...did someone hurt you...?"

Erin doesn't respond, but Holtzmann gives her the benefit of the doubt because this is a tough question for her to answer. She begins shaking her head 'no' but she can't keep denying this much longer. "No. Nope, no you're not fine and we both know that's a bunch of bullshit. I want to help you. Let me help you...please. What happened? It's just me and you, no one else is gonna hear, no one is gonna hurt you."

There was a long, pregnant pause but Holtzmann stood her ground, she waited.

"...I-I got the food y'know, like I said I would. I had the knife, I was meant to be safe, I promised you I would be safe." Erin had yet to make eyes contact, instead she chose to look just over Holtzmann's shoulder but her eyes hadn't focused. She wasn't looking at the wall on the other side of the room, she was looking at the attackers faces plastered into her mind. "I was stupid, I should have been paying attention. I'm never paying attention." Holtz hated how much she was scolding herself but rather than stopping her from finally opening up, she rubbed the hands on Erin's knees in soothing circles and patiently waited for her to keep going.

"I was grabbed by this man...he-he grabbed me around the throat...I couldn't breathe," with each word Erin spoke her eyes filled more and more with tears but she wouldn't allow herself to let them spill. She wouldn't cry over those _people_. "He pushed me against a wall, I hurt my head." The dots are connecting together, "I couldn't scream, and then this other man came out. I was outnumbered." Dear god please no. "He came up close, he touched me...but-but not...he didn't _touch_  me," Erin couldn't bring herself to say the word rape. She was so thankful it didn't come to that but she honestly thought it may have went that far. "but I can still _feel_ him on my skin, I can _smell_ him on me. I think I'm gonna see him. I don't wanna leave in case I do. I don't want to be alone because he'll come back for me...he'll come back for me because I've told you, he said he would and I don't want him to hurt you. He can take me but not you! Oh dear god please not you." She bowed her head and was breathing hard, still not letting herself cry. Holtz took this time to pull Erin into her chest wrapping her arms around her protectively; never saying anything - a kiss on the head to remind her it's okay and to urge her to keep going.

"Your knife, I'm sorry he took it, he put it to my throat and they took everything. I'm sorry I said I would treasure it and it's gone. I really did love it, I'm sorry I lost it please don't leave me I'm sorry!" She lifted her head and Holtz saw that she was now crying. Erin wasn't crying because of the attackers, she done that all last night. No, she was crying for Holtz. She was stupid, she was crying because she lost the first gift she was ever given by her. She said she would use it to keep her safe and she couldn't even do that. She's crying because she's disappointed Holtz, or so she at least believes she has.

Her words were coming out jagged and jumpy due to the sobbing that wracked through her body. "They told me if I s-said anything t-then they would come b-b-back and hurt everyone I love and make me watch. I couldn't let that so I said okay. I was on the ground, they, they dropped me on the ground. They kicked me, I couldn't breathe again. I couldn't breathe but I ran. I was so so scared but I ran, I couldn't breathe but I promised you I wouldn't be safe, I promised you I would get you your sandwich so I ran. I ran as fast as I could. I didn't stop until I was here but I feel like I'm being watched. They're watching me. Waiting. They're waiting to hurt you guys because I was stupid and I can't let that happen!!"

She was starting to get hysterical. Holtz knew this was the best time to step in. "No, you did so go I'm so proud of you. You were so brave! You kept yourself safe, you're still safe now I won't let anything or anyone hurt you, you know that right?" She softly lifted Erin's head so they were eye to eye and extremely close together. "They're not gonna get you, you're completely safe, okay?" A kiss to Erin's nose, "thank you so much for telling me. I know this wasn't easy for you but you were so brave, you ran. You kept yourself safe. I could never _ever_ be disappointed. I love you and I'm so happy you're okay. We're gonna get through this. Together."

They sit there in silence for quite a while, Erin hadn't said anything since she spilled the beans; the only noises that were circulating the room were Holtz's comforting mummers to sooth Erin's crying that was still shaking her body. Erin was currently curled up on Holtzmann's lap, trying to make herself as small as possible. Holtz goes to wrap her arms around Erin even tighter but she hisses as it catches on her messed up ribs. Suddenly remembering that those bastards had hurt her, Holtz wanted to give Erin a full check over to see if any hospital visits were necessary.

"Erin you gotta let me check you over. See if everything's okay, if not I wanna take you to the hospital..."

Erin's eyes bulged, she was about to protest.

"No. You're not fine and we've already established that. I've seen the marks, I've seen the blood. You've been hurt, let me take care of you." Erin looked her her for a few seconds before slowly nodding.

Holtz gently deposited Erin on the bed whilst she stood to collect the first aid box — with Holtzmann and her inventions in the fire house it really was a good investment to have a first aid kit I every room — she opened it and brought out and array of items; she began with her head, cleaning the dried blood, kissing her temple when Erin finched away from the antiseptic used to clean the cut. She confirmed that it was indeed most likely to be a superficial cut, although she will still be keeping an eye on it, it will probably not need a hospital visit. Moving onto her ribs she was able to get a closer inspection; in the short time the colours have darkened and she was actually able to make out a boot mark in the bruising which made her blood boil. She did the best she could right now which was to bandage her ribs tight until she was able to convince Erin to go for a proper checkup with an actual doctor, not just by her girlfriend with a half supplied first aid kit.

After giving her some strong meds for the pain, Erin started to become slightly drowsy, her words moulding into one. "...leave me, don't do it...stay" she was able to make out from half zonked scientist.

"Always."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, comments and suggestions keep me young. 
> 
> Send me prompts on here or tumblr (url - ChewieDaniels) or if not then just befriend me because I'm a lonely flower :) 
> 
> I was watching a movie whilst writing this and there's a big ol' reference to it in there. If you can guess what it is and where it's from the you get the pride of a job well done because I'm too poor to give you any other type of prize.


	5. Cut My Life Into Pieces. I've Reached My Last Resort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I set myself on fire the other day. (That's probably one of the most intriguing fic notes you've ever read)
> 
> But yeah, I actually did do that the other day.

“I’m gonna kill them. I’m gonna find those bastards and I will rip them apart!” Patty was currently pacing the kitchen, positively raging. “Holtzy. Which one of your toys can I use on humans? Which one will hurt the most because I swear to god when I find them I’m…” she trailed on, detailing all the horrifying things she would do to Erin’s attackers. Patty was one of the happiest people that Holtz knew, she saw good in everyone but to see her so angry made this current situation feel that much more surreal, nothing had truly sunk in just yet.

Abby had yet to say anything; she was currently sat on a kitchen stool with her head in her hands, still taking all the information in. Holtzmann watched the scene from her position leaning against the kitchen cabinets.

 After Erin’s meltdown in the bathroom, her screaming had caused a panicked Patty, Abby and even Kevin to be standing outside the bathroom door, clad with makeshift weapons consisting of whatever object they could get their hands on first. Before Erin could see that she had gathered an audience Holtz explained that everything was okay and to meet her downstairs later and she would explain everything.

Holtz had waited until Erin had slipped into unconsciousness due to the meds before she got Kevin and asked him if he would sit quietly in the room with her with his colouring book just in case she woke up before her return because she didn’t want her to wake up alone and to cause another panic. Kevin, more than happy to be given an important job, complied and Holtz was able to make her way downstairs to do the gruelling task of filling the other two in on the incident. 

It was just as painful retelling the events as it was first hearing about them. There was an uncomfortable silence that filled the as the group thought of what to do next. In reality none of them had any experience with this and it was one of the few times in their lives in which they felt completely clueless.

The uneasy silence was broken by a blood curdling shriek. The three busters’ heads shot up to find the source of the pained noise, all looking up at the ceiling, practically willing their eyes to let them see through the cement, it took them all but a split second to realise the noise was in fact coming from Erin and Holtzmann’s room. Breaking away from their current positions all three sprinted up the stairs, Holtz in the lead taking two steps at a time.

Holtz came to a sudden halt in their bedroom doorway causing both Abby and Patty to slam into her back as they were unable to slow their running in time. Holtz braced herself holding onto the doorframe while the other two peered over her arms and they assessed the situation. The bedroom was relatively untouched from when Holtz left, only now the only things to have changed was Kevin’s chair was now tipped on its side, probably fell over due to him hastily departing from it to get to Erin, the same reason can probably be applied as to why his book and colouring pencils are scattered on the ground. Holtzmann’s eyes scanned over the unusual bedroom mess towards the pile of humans on their bed. Kevin had pulled Erin into a rough sitting position, sitting on the edge of the bed himself, having pulled her into a bear hug. It seemed to be that the more Erin screamed, the harder Kevin hugged her; completely unaware of the fact that this was causing her ribs great pain.

“Don’t hurt my friends!” some more screams accompanied with rugged breathing. “Please…you’re hurting me..!”

Holtz snapped out of her verve and sprung into action, “Kevin move!” she ran over, gripping his shoulder and pulling it away from Erin with as much force as she could muster. He soon stumbled backwards allowing Holtz to take his seat.

“I’m sorry, she just started screaming. I thought she was scared; she looked so scared so I thought I should give her a hug. It didn’t work so I squeezed her tighter to let her know she was okay but it didn’t work. I don’t know what I did wrong I’m so sorry…Erin? Holtzmann? Oh god I’m such an idiot, I can’t seem to do anything right!” Kevin looked like a lost puppy with his hands in his hair, pacing from one foot to another as he tried to explain the situation. He didn’t want to get yelled yet, he just wanted them to be proud that he took control of a situation on his own. The last thing he wanted was to hurt any of his family.

“Oh Kevin, we’re always proud of you, you don’t need to prove yourself!” Abby placed a hand upon his arm to calm the panicked man, she offered him a comforting smile and he already visibly relaxed.

“Hey, baby, listen; _none_ of us know what to do right now. You did good, you just keep doing you, boo.” Patty imputed, also offering a smile before it feel off her face as she turned towards Erin and Holtz.

All the while this was happening, Holtz had slowly laid Erin back down so now she was laying flat on her back looking at the ceiling, not daring to look at Holtz because she hated when she cried in front of her. Her breathing was erratic; not panic attack, anxiety induced breathing, no. This sounded wet and painful, as if she was drowning.

“Make it stop, make it stoooop” Erin had long since stopped screaming, instead now she had fast shallow breathing that was clearly not helping her get enough oxygen. “Please.” At that moment she turned her head and made eye contact with Holtz, and to be honest before that moment Holtz wasn’t even sure if Erin knew that she was sitting with her. As Erin starred at her, Holtz could see all trace of life and happiness vanished from her eyes and they were dead or well at least they pleaded to be so. “Help me.” Erin blindly reached out to find Holtzmann’s hand, she found it and firmly grasped.

“Okay sweetie hang in there, we’re gonna get you to the hospital.” She knew if Erin was completely lucid then she would fight going to the hospital but she couldn’t bear to see her like this any longer. Hell, she didn’t even want the rest of the gang to know what was going on in fear of embarrassment, so an unconsented hospital trip on top of that will surely have Holtzmann in deep shit when this is over. Running a soothing hand across Erin’s forehead she couldn’t help but notice how hot Erin had become in such a short amount of time. “Shit, you’re burning up. Hey, Abby can you start the car?” Feeling Erin’s hand go slack in hers, Holtz turned back round to face Erin to find her unconscious, “Oh boy. Kev, work your muscle magic and carry her to the car for me will you?”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Once at the hospital, after what Holtz thought was one of the slowest, agonising car rides of her life, Erin was directed to her own room for an examination. Erin had yet to speak a word, deciding that once leaving the comfort of the firehouse she would close in on herself once again. Not so much in shut down mode but only wanting to be close to her team, only speaking to those guys in hushed whispers leaving it to them to convey the important information. Her anxiety wasn’t really allowing her to do much right now and all her efforts were working hard on forcing herself to stay in the present. She knew how hard it was for the team when she shut down and she wanted to try with all her might not to be any more of a burden then what she already was.

Holtz had explained the past 24 hours as best as she could to the doctors, giving them the run down from her point of view and from what Erin had told her. Relaying her odd behaviour after the sandwich run, her dizzy spell in the supermarket, the blood and boot mark bruising her ribs, the sheer terror that it’s obvious she’s feeling. By the time that she was finished describing every incessant detail, Holtz felt like she had aged a thousand years, her whole body feeling heavier.

Giving Holtz a break, Abby decided to step in with the doctors, telling Holtz to go rest on the chairs and she’ll report back any important information. Without giving up a fight Holtz agreed, she walked over to the terribly uncomfortable looking seats and sat down in the corner, pulling her legs to her chest making herself as small as possible. She was too deep in her own thoughts to realise that Patty had came and sat down next to her.

Meanwhile Abby was listening to the doctor explain that the x-rays are showing that Erin has something called pneumothorax.

“…wha? I don’t, I don’t understand. What is that? Is she gonna be okay? Can you fix her?”

“Miss Yates let me explain to you; your lungs normally inflate by increasing the size of the chest cavity, resulting in a negative, vacuum, pressure in the pleural space, meaning the area within the chest cavity but outside the lungs. If air enters the pleural space either by a hole in the lung or the chest wall, the pressure in the pleural space equals the pressure outside the body. Thus, the vacuum is lost and the lung collapses. Your friend had hard blunt trauma to her ribs causing multiple to break and pierce the lung.”

“You didn’t answer my question, doc. _Is she going to be okay?”_

“I can’t promise you anything,” Abby’s heart stops “large pneumothorax is a serious issue, _especially_ when left untreated for any length of time. She should have been brought in sooner; right now she’s susceptible to more infections and her heart is in a vulnerable position. At the moment we’ve sedated her, we thought it best to do so considering how agitated she was when she first arrived because it’s an invasive treatment. She requires a placement of a chest tube to evacuate the air. We’re going to keep her in for observation throughout and for a while after this process; this is when her body will be at her weakest; we’ve got a steady IV line of antibiotics fighting off infection and to bring her immune system back up.”

“Okay, she’s being treated that’s good but can we go and see her?”

“You can but I would advise you to not smother her when she wakes up, the drugs will make her feel groggy and that added on with all she’s been through, we don’t know what she’ll be like. Which reminds me, I’m going to have a psychologist come and visit her room tomorrow; I think it’s best she talk to someone after all she’s been through. Assault can have lasting effects on a person’s wellbeing.”

_Erin won’t like a visit from a psychologist. Not. One. Bit._ Abby thought. “Alright doc, thanks for everything.” She bid him a farewell before making her way back to her friends.

As she draw closer; she saw Patty giving Holtzmann a bewildered look and stopping to stand in from of them she understood why;

“…Cut my life into pieces. I've reached my last resort. Suffocation, no breathing...”

“Man she’s been doing this since you left. This is the third song she’s sung to herself, I tried to make her sing something good but she won’t listen to me, that girl is gone deep!” Patty said.

“Holtz… Holtz...” Abby decided to shake her, “HOLTZ?!” she shouted, she realised that probably wasn’t the best thing to do in a hospital waiting room, she looked around apologising to the now other people scattered around the room. “You doing okay?” she asked with a softer voice this time.

“Yeah, awesome, fine!” Holtz replied a little too enthusiastically.

“Yeah okay, you’d win an Emmy for that performance.” Sarcasm practically oozing from Abby’s mouth as she spoke. “Now. You ready to go see your girl?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really really want to apologize for not posting a chapter for a while! There is a reason for this; 
> 
> me being stupid and clumsy, I sat on my glasses. It's not even a small break like would happen to most glasses if you sat on them. Oh no, my ass completely shattered them. "Oh glasses don't take that long to be fixed", you say. Well, just to make it more difficult, I have to have tinted glasses (for dyslexia issues) specially ordered with my awful eyesight prescription lenses so it takes time. I felt so bad for having not posted in a while I honestly tried to write without them and just kind of feel around the keyboard but that failed so damn epically. I even tried to get Siri to type out the story for me, that was...catastrophic. But they have arrived and I stayed up all night writing this and it's kind of a filler until the story picks up again with the angst next chapter! 
> 
> And yes, they are yellow tinted glasses. I used to feel embarrassed by them but I shit you not; after Ghostbusters came out I feel so much more confident wearing them now. (Apart from when people say I'm faking having to wear them because "that one famous person wears them". Like, seriously, fuck you pal.) Anyway I'm rambling.
> 
> Comments, Kudos and suggestions keeps me young and spry! 
> 
> Have a prompt? Send it my way! Either on here or on Tumblr - ChewieDaniels.tumblr.com.   
> Don't have a prompt but wanna be Holtzbert trash together? Well then befriend me on tumblr!


	6. 5 Senses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a heads up there is a brief talk about needles and blood, and also some depressive thoughts.
> 
> Please excuse any grammar, or spelling mistakes. Or if it's just so British it sounds like I've been having tea with the Queen. (but if you do find anything like this in here, be a babe and let me know)

The doctors had informed that the sedative they had dosed Erin up would keep her knocked out all through the night; however that was not a comforting fact to Holtz as she wanted to be awake for when Erin awoke so she stayed up herself. She simply waited and watched; she waited for every second to pass, she watched the hands ticking on the clock out of sync and wanting nothing more then take it apart and to fix it. She wanted nothing more than to move her restless hands but most of all she just wanted to fix something and all the while she couldn’t fix Erin, she would suffice for fixing a crummy clock in the meanwhile.

Holtz watched, her eyes trailed across every inch of Erin’s body, her eyes landing upon the thick tube draping across the bed and ending with a syringe protruding into her chest, she watched Erin’s chest rise and fall with an aid from the machine.

She listened to the sound of air; the air was being sucked from Erin’s chest breath by breath, being expelled into the atmosphere.

‘Clinical’ was the only word Holtz could use at that time to describe was she smelt; the clinical smell of hospitals have always been unsettling to Holtzmann. She believes her issue lies with the fact that there’s no personal touch there, Erin smells of lavender, Abby smells of home cooking and Patty smells of her favourite perfume. In a hospital all personal touch is wiped away, people can die here and then their personal touch is wiped away and it’s as if they never existed. 

Holtz can taste the bile on her tongue, there’s no denying it; as soon as she walked into Erin’s room she broke down in tears, and she sobbed so hard she started heaving. She wasn’t even sure if she was upset at how she hadn’t noticed that Erin had been walking around injured for so long or if she was angry at not being there to protect her from those bastards that thought it was okay to hurt her love.

 Lastly, touch; Holtz was currently gripping onto Erin’s hand, her cold, unresponsive hand. However, what Holtz could _feel_ was nothing. She was currently numb, she had exhausted all of her senses and she simply sat at the side of Erin’s watching and waiting.

o0o

It was 3:03am when Erin began to regain consciousness.

Before Erin was able to open her eyes she listened to her surrounds; a beeping of a machine, was she in Holtz’s lab?

She has the most god awful metallic taste on her tongue that she can’t seem to get rid of. The more she opens and closes her mouth to produce saliva in an attempt to rid it, the more this taste spreads and soon clings to the back of her throat. She’s only just woken up and she already feels like shit.

When Erin was a kid and used to get dunked in the toilets she had to clean herself with only the disinfectant that her high school offered. The smell invading the room at the moment reminded her somewhat of the janitors closest in which she would cry and clean herself in, not fond memories she wishes to remember.

Without even opening her eyes she knew she was laying on something extremely uncomfortable; it was lump and the pillows were flat. She must be asleep on the couch in Holtz’s lab, Erin thought. To make her uncomfortable position worse, Erin felt a great pressure on her chest, as if Holtz had been resting books on her again as she slept.

Feeling it was time to fully assess her situation Erin opened her eyes; but she did not see Holtzmann’s lab. She knew straight away because there were no pencils stuck in the ceiling, all she saw was white. The room was dimly lit but the whiteness of the walls, floor and ceiling still was harsh on her eyes, she gathered her bearings and looked around the room; she was in hospital.

_Beep, beep, beep._

The continual noise drew her attention to a machine to her right hand side; she noticed it to be a heart monitor, next to it an IV stand with clear fluid dripping down a clear tube and steadily into her forearm. Next to that was a machine she didn’t recognise, it was a clear box with 2 chambers, one had clear fluid inside, and the other was seemingly empty. Both chambers had a tube coming out of them that connected a few centimetres up to make one tube; it was a thick and intimidating tube that scared Erin as her eyes followed the tube as it got closer to her body and her breath hitched when she saw that the thick tube had been inserted into her side. It explained the pressure on her chest and the invasive pulling she was feeling every time she breathed. Being stuck to several machines did nothing to calm Erin’s nerves, she was so freaked out at waking up in a completely different place while people had done god knows what to her while she was unconscious, she didn’t even realise Holtzmann’s sleeping form hunched into the smallest ball possible on the bedside chair to her left hand side, all that Erin needed to do was to get out of here, hospitals brought nothing but fear and horrible memories to Erin’s mind.

Without giving it a second thought, she ripped the IV from her arm and winced, just the sheer will of wanting to get out of here has fast as possible propelled her hand to continue to the large tube in her side and tug, she let out a loud whine at the resistance it had and from the pain it caused.

_Can’t be here. Need to leave. I’m fine. I don’t belong here._ Erin kept thinking to herself.

“Like a bandaid…,” she flexed her fingers and held a firmer grasp, “1, 2…aaAAHHH!” she screamed from the pain. The entire needle had been pulled out from her lungs, it was coated with blood and was longer then she expected. Not giving it much of a look she dropped it on her bed, the blood staining the white sheets. Filled with adrenaline, Erin _should_ be feeling pain, dizziness and shock but with freedom so close now she doesn’t feel a thing; as she’s about to swing her legs over the side she catches sight of her Holtz asleep and she stops what she’s doing.

 She takes a minute and her eyes gaze; she takes note of the dishevelled looking clothes and she assumes that she has been residing in that chair for quite some time. Her hair is half way out of her signature do, but the worst thing, and what Erin probably shouldn’t have done was look at Holtzmann’s face. Her eyes were puffy, her cheeks her tear stained and her brow was furrowed. This wasn’t the face of the carefree woman that Erin fell in love with; this was the face of a woman that Erin had dragged down with her in her own emotional turmoil. Erin hated that she ruined everything, she brought sadness, and heartbreak wherever she went and now, because she couldn’t take care of herself or have a handle on her emotions, she’s pulled Holtz down into a pit of despair. Where the woman she loved, that she believed to be the finest embodiment of ‘the clown’, a woman that brought so much happiness and mirth into her life now had a face that showed so much heartache and worry.

Erin couldn’t have that.

She knew that she’s always carried a dark raincloud around her all her life but she didn’t truly realize how much she was raining on those around her. She wanted her family to be happy, she wanted them to smile and all the time she was with them, she knew she would be blocking the sun.

Clad in only her hospital gown, Erin placed her bare feel on the cold hard ground. Not allowing herself the luxury to glance back at Holtz one final time, instead she heads for the door but pauses with her hand grasping the handle.

_They don’t need you. You’re more hassle then its worth and they’re better off without you. Do them a favour and leave, don’t even bother saying goodbye or to tell them where you’re going because they won’t care. The sooner you leave them, the happier they’ll be._ The voices in the back her head gave her all the convincing she needed to push down on the handle and exit the room.

The hallway was brighter then she had expected it to be and had caused her to momentarily stop in her tracks to adjust her eyes. Shielding her eyes from the painful fluorescent lighting she looked up and down the corridor to discover it to be completely empty, her escape would be easier then she thought. She left through the double doors at the end of the corridor and was met with the nurses’ station and Erin paused before she came into view of any of the workers to assess the situation; without wanting to draw any attention to herself she hunched her shoulders, her head looking towards the ground and she started at a brisk pace towards the exit.

“Oh Dr. Gilbert I see you’re awake.”

_Shit._ Erin suddenly stood still hearing her name and slowly began to turn around to face the nurse that addressed her.

“Although I’m thrilled to see you so spry and eager to be walking around, you really shouldn’t be out of bed. Now, let’s get you back to your room what do yo—“

“NO” Erin frantically cut off the nurse. The nurse was taken aback by the outburst and then she fully surveyed her patient, taking in the frantic look in her eyes. “…I mean, no. I don’t wanna go back in there right now, I was just going out for some air, and I’ll be right back. I promise.”

The young nurse didn’t believe any of what she had just said. Slowly retreating forward, the nurse stretched out her hand towards Erin’s. “Okay, sweetie you know we can’t allow you to do that right now, so how about we take you to your room, I’ll go call a doctor and he can come and give you something to help make you sleep, m’kay?”

“No, I don’t wanna sleep,” the nurse saw how agitated Erin was getting and grabbed her wrists in an attempt to contain her but Erin fought back, “I just…wanna...” Erin was almost free from her vice grip, “…LEAVE!” _wham!_ Erin had punched the nurse in the nose in her frantic struggle to get away and she stood there stunned at her own actions. She watched as the nurse doubled over in pain, a hand over her throbbing nose, which had now begun a steady stream of blood seeping through her fingers.

_You always manage to hurt people._

Erin slowly started backing away, her own hands covering her mouth in shock. “oh god, I’m  sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you!” her hands went up and tangled in her hair and she pulled hard, clumps ripping out from her scalp. “You always hurt people. Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” she slammed her hands to her head with every word, not caring how much it hurt, she deserved it.

“Someone HELP!” The nurse screamed and it broke Erin out of her scalding thoughts.

“I have to leave. We—I have to go!” and she ran. She ran like she never knew she could. Everything should be hurting right now, her head, ribs, lungs and now her newly injured knuckles but she just felt numb. She had a job she needed to do and that was the only thing on her mind.

The pavement was wet from a recent downpour and who knows what she was running in as she made her through the city of New York bare foot but it wasn’t long until she had made it.

Erin stood on her corner of the street and looked at the fire house. A place she once called home, a place she will only be visiting one final time.

Making her way across the street and to the door, she prayed that nobody would still be awake as she quietly pushed the door open and poked her head inside to see if the coast was clear; so far so good.

She just needed to make her way to her room to grab what she needed and then she could go. Taking ease with every step she took to make sure she was completely soundless, she had slowly but surely made her way up the stairs and was now making her way down the hallway which lead to the doorways for everyone’s bedrooms. As she started to quietly creep through she passes patty’s door and saw that it was open, risking it to peer inside she found the room empty, _she must be out with friends_ , Erin thought. However, as she walks past Abby’s door she finds that room completely vacant too. She soon realises that she’s alone in the fire house and decides to instead run the rest of the way to the room her and Holtz share… _used_ to share.

Not allowing herself any time to wallow in self-pity, she tears the room apart searching for what she wants. It’s been so long since she had it; she can’t remember where she hid it. Soon, her drawers had been ridden of all clothes trying to find the object and she was currently halfway under her bed, frantically reaching her arms to grab a box she had pushed into the deepest corner when they had first moved in. She finally grabs the aging shoe box and sits on the bed with it resting on her lap. Her adrenaline was slowing and she was beginning to feel everything but she knew she had to keep going. Before she could psyche herself out, she opened the lid; to any onlooker, it was just filled with old diaries and old family photos that she felt too guilty about throwing in the trash. However, as Erin rummaged through, her hands grasped an object and she knew she had found what she was looking for, pulling it out of the box she pulled the handgun up into her eyesight and inspected it.

_Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I really write a lot in the notes whereas a lot of other authors don't but I'm a rambler but also this is on a serious note;
> 
> I understand I don't update a lot or as often as you would like but I would like you to please understand that it's difficult for me. Not difficult just because of my schedule but reading and writing has always been hard for me because of some learning difficulties I have. Now, I don't want to be the sad sap that bring this up and I hate using it as an 'excuse' but I truly do struggle with my dyslexia in life and it kills me, so yeah, it might take me a bit longer to write stuff but please hang in there I'm really trying my hardest. 
> 
> "Why are you bringing this up?" you ask. Well! I received some anonymous messages on Tumblr that were actually fairly mean because I take too long to update my story. I don't know if this is one person sending multiple messages or a few people sending them but please stop. I won't respond to you but it's seriously knocking my confidence. 
> 
> On a lighter note, I want to thank those who do comment and kudos, it really means the world to me! 
> 
> Tumblr - ChewieDaniels.tumblr.com if you want to send me a prompt or just befriend me because I'm lonely.  
> (Instagram and twitter are both ChewieDaniels too btw if you feel like being friendly)


	7. Good and Bad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm emotionally wrecked from the election so I have probably made spelling, grammar mistakes or made it sound positively British. If you do come across any of this then be a dear and inform me

Patty and Abby were just coming back from their walk around the hospital. They had all been sat by Erin's side the entire time she had been in the hospital bed but the pair thought it would be best to stretch their legs when they saw that Holtz had fallen into an unsettling slumber. Although it was obvious that Holtz wasn't exactly having a pleasant sleep, it was still sleep nonetheless so they parted from the room in order to make the room as peaceful as possible for the sleeping partners.

Their walk having lasted longer than they expected as they stopped off at the food hall to grab some coffee, if the watered down mud water can even be called coffee. Drawing closer to the room and walking down the final corridor they heard a commotion happening through the double doors at the other end of the hall. Passing it off as hospital business, they left it be and carried on to their desired door.

"...I'm telling you, man," Patty argued as they drew closer to Erin's room, "avocado mixed with a lil bit of lemon juice is the best thing I ever used on my face. You'll never have to buy any of that expensive shit you use ever again." Patty was in the lead, her hand coming up to grab the handle; all the blinds were shut so they had no way of knowing if Holtzmann had already woken up or not.

"Hey, they 'expensive shit' as you call it has worked wonders on my sk—whoa watch it!" Patty had stopped mid walk in the open doorway to Erin's room causing Abby to knock into Patty's, now rigid, back.

"Holy shit...she's...she's—" Patty said, barely a whisper.

"—What? What's Holtzmann done now? I swear to god if—"

"No, she's gone. Erin's gone!" Patty stepped aside and allowed Abby to see in the room for the first time. It was certainly empty of Erin, that's for sure. Holtzmann still curled up on the bedside chair and looked as if she might have made herself into a smaller ball than when they left her.

"Well maybe Erin just got up to go to the bathroom?" It sounded as though Patty was trying to convince herself more than anything else. "I mean, you know how small that girl's bladder it..."

"No, she shouldn't have left this bed. She would have woken Holtzmann. Look at the IV and needle that was in her chest it's still here, it should still be in her even if she's just walked to the bathroom. No. something's not right here. I'm gonna go find the doctor, you can wake up Holtzmann." Patty nodded and Abby turned and made her way to the door, almost colliding with a dishevelled looking Doctor making his way in.

"Dr. Yates. Your friend. She's gone. She's not mentally stable right now and she attacked one of our night nurses. She broke her nose in a struggle to bring Dr Gilbert back to her room, she won't press charges I can assure you but that's all we know right now."

Abby stared at the doctor in disbelief, her jaw practically hitting the floor. "So what are you gonna do now? How are we gonna find her? Where would she even go? It's 3 in the morning, would she even survive the night outside in her condition?" She shot out question after question, not just at the doctor, but to anyone who would listen.

With a shaky sigh, the doctor ran a hand through his hair looking uncomfortable; "...I-errmm..." he paused to find the right way to phrase his next sentence, "Dr Yates, I feel it best to inform you that all the time Dr Gilbert is on hospital property she is my patient and therefore in my care...legally. However, she left this building on her own accord, we no longer hold responsibility for her and therefore we cannot conduct a search for her once she's stepped outside the premises." He looked amongst the 3 other occupants in the room hoping someone would start talking but alas no, they just stared in stunned silence so he carried on. "I can suggest that you contact the police to file a missing persons report but that will only be if Dr Gilbert has not been located or heard from within 24 hours..." the doctor trailed off unsure of how to exit the room to escape the tension. "I wish you the best of luck in finding your colleague." Was added at the end in a sad attempt to lighten the mood.

"You've gotta be shitting me, right?" Patty and Abby didn't realise that Holtz had awoken and were unsure of how much of the information she had heard. "You're telling me that morally you can tell us that our friend, _the love of my life_ , has ran away in what I can only assume to be a trauma induced panic considering what she has been through. A woman that has went through both physical and mental pain at the hands of another person is allowed to walk out of here and because she stepped on the sidewalk that just so happened to not be owned by this hospital you can just wipe your hands of her and give us your best wishes that we hopefully find her unscathed..?" Holtz was positively seething now and had stepped into, the now trembling, doctor's personal space. "You believe that she just casually walked out of here of her on accord?" A meek nod from the Doctor, "She. Was. Scared! And you _knew_ that! And you have the audacity to just disregard her, do you treat all your patients this way? How hell do you sleep at night?!"

Patty thought that it was best to cut in now, she had never seen Holtzmann this angry before. "Okay baby lets just calm down and take a few breathes." Patty came to stand between Holtz and the doctor, breaking off Holtz's deadly stare down. With her back to the doctor she was facing Holtz and put both of her hand on Holtzmann's shoulders, "This bozo ain't gonna help us so you need to think with that big beautiful brain of yours, Holtz. Where will your girl go?" Holtz just stared at her with a lost expression; this was one of the very few puzzles in her life that she couldn't find the missing piece for and that killed her inside.

The doctor realising the attention was now off of him chose now was the best time to slip out of the room leaving the 3 remaining busters. It was painfully quiet as they all wracked the brains for any idea of Erin's whereabouts.

After 5 minutes the quiet became to much before Abby could cut in. "This is just ridiculous, lets just head back to the firehouse. You know maybe she just wanted to be in a familiar surrounding right now." It didn't even sound like Abby believed her own words but the team agreed nonetheless and began to head out.

The drive to HQ had been excruciating; Patty didn't allow Holtz to drive seeing how she still had yet to calm down. They weren't going nearly as fast as Holtz would have preferred.

Arriving through the doors, Holtz taking the lead, they were all quiet and cautious so as to not startle an already panicked Erin if she were to be hiding in here. However, after a quick examination the first floor appeared to be untouched by Erin's presence and much to their dismay the same results for the second floor too.

Losing more hope the team made their way to the third floor, although not thinking Erin would hide in Patty, Abby, or hell, even Kevin's room they still poked their heads into the rooms regardless; they would be rather be safe than sorry.

Slowly making their descent down the corridor they stood outside the final door; Erin and Holtzmann's bedroom. The door was pulled to but not fully shut, a simple push would have the door swinging open with plenty of ease but no one moved to do so.

There could be many outcomes on what is on the other side of that door; the best outcome was that they would find Erin huddled amongst the blankets asleep donning Holtz's MIT hoodie. The worst outcome was something that they didn't even want to touch with a 10 foot pole but still, in the back of Holtzmann's mind she knew she had to be prepared for anything.

Patty was the one who stepped up to the plate; she placed her fingertips upon the wooden door and gave it a gentle push, it swung open to reveal...

 

 

...Nothing.

 

 

 

The room was empty.

  
All hope wasn't lost because it was clear that Erin had been here because the room had been completely pulled apart. Every item of clothing had been thrown around, the wardrobe and drawers emptied.

"She's left us...again", it was clear in the break of Abby's voice that she believed the empty wardrobe and drawers means that Erin had abandoned her again much like she did those many years ago.

Holtz stood in the centre of the room, slowing pivoting round in a small circle, scrutinising every detail that the room had been left in. "No, no she wouldn't have done that." Holtz instantly came to Erin's defence.

"She's done this before and she's done it again, Holtz you don't underst—"

"No! Abby _look_! Really look around the room. She never packed anything, the clothes aren't gone they're just scattered...she was looking for something."

"Yo, you guys know what she'll want with a box of old family pictures?" Patty spoke up for the first time; she was currently standing next to their bed looking down at Erin's keepsake box of memories turned on its side and the context spread on the bedsheets.

This caught Holtzmann's attention as she turned to face Patty. She knew Erin only kept family pictures in one box, she had yet to actually see the box or any of its contents but she had heard of the box. Erin had informed her sometime ago that she had a box she kept, in which she explained that she never wanted to see the contents of but still kept it anyway.

Walking closer to the bed, Holtz gave the contents a closer look, seeing in full view the pictures of Erin and her family that she kept but never actually really wanting to see. With a groan Holtz dropped to her knees and slithered under the bed with ease. Abby and Patty staring on in confusion as they heard mumbles of "shit shit shit shit _shit!_ " Coming from Holtz as she rummaged away.

"Baby c'mon talk to us. What you thinking?" Patty asked as Holtzmann made her way out from under the bed and back to standing.

They weren't completely sure if Holtz had heard Patty's question as she still currently in front of them, eyes glazed over deep in thought, a hand grasping at her hair as if trying to squeeze her brain into giving her more answers.

"...Hey, Holtz?"

Abby leaning forward to place a comforting hand on Holtzmann's arm but almost jumped out of her skin when Holtz sprung back to life " _shit!_ Okay, so good and bad here. Good; I'm like 98% sure I think I know where Erin is."

"That's great!" "But what about the bad?" Both Patty and Abby said at the same time.

"Shit okay, well bad; Erin, probably is, may or may not, but mayverylikelybewalkingaroundwithagun." She shot out, too fast for anyone to gather what she had said.

"English please, Holtzmann" Abby replied, her patience running thin.

Taking a deep breath Holtz started again. "I said; I'm pretty sure Erin is walking around with a gun..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I hope everyone is okay and safe after that election. Remember to breath, you're going to be okay, you won't be alone. Please talk to me if you want to, I honestly don't mind. 
> 
> If you want to flee the country then you're more than welcome to come to the UK - I don't have a spare bed but I've got a sick bean bag you can sleep on if needs be!
> 
> If you wish to send me a Holtzbert promt or just simply wish to befriend some fellow Holtzbert trash then hit me up! - ChewieDaniels.tumblr.com :)


	8. Stupid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you saw the last of me.
> 
> This chapter isn't as long as the others I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get back in the groove of things. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine, however, please correct me on the ones you may find.

“I cannot _believe_ you right now, Jillian Holtzmann!” Abby was positively seething as she paced the bedroom, her hands pulling at her hair in frustration. “You knew. You _knew_ she was hiding a weapon, a _gun_ of all things under this roof and you didn’t think to say anything?!” Abby turned towards Holtzmann, who was sat on the edge of the bed with her head in her hands, only to look up in time to see Abby jabbing an angry finger at her. “You’re her girlfriend. You’re meant to love and support her, not let her fixate on these delusions and plans that you damn well know her brain spirals with!”

“I do love her, Abs. So _damn_ much…more than I thought I ever could love something. I just…I just made a mistake okay? _I’m sorry._ ”

“Ay, ay, let’s not start pointing fingers here and let’s focus on the problem at hand,” Patty put her body between the two; however, Holtzmann was still shrinking away from Abby’s accusing stare. “Now, what in the damn hell is that girl doing owning a gun in the first place?”

“I haven’t always known about her having it, but I’ll admit I’ve known for a while. It’s stupid. She told me after the Lunar bust, do you remember that? She was so freaked out when that ghost gang got me; she didn’t let me out of her sight for the next twenty four hours.” Holtzmann averted her eyes towards the floor, “that night was awful, she didn’t wanna go to sleep but she hadn’t been sleeping well the week prior so I knew she was beyond exhausted. She just kept pushing that she wasn’t going to shut her eyes when suddenly it was like she just cracked and a dam broke. She cried so much just sobbing about how terrified she is and how sick she is of feeling like it. She told me _everything_. About what people have said to her what they’ve _done_ to her; even _I_ felt sick you guys.

Both Abby and Patty knew Erin had a messed up childhood, once or twice they’ve thought maybe even abusive but quickly shied away from those thoughts, but they hadn’t realised it was this bad.

“That night she told me how she wanted to keep us safe and after some explaining she brought up the subject of the…gun” the word left a horrible taste on her tongue, “we fought about it, a lot actually. We came to a deal a while after; she can keep that _thing_ but on the one condition she has to hide it away and only use it if the world is ending.” There was a slight pause and she let out a small laugh, “Ya’know, I knew she was never going to give it up, she’s so stubborn like that, so I made that exception to using to up on a whim because the world is never going to end, not realising that in her head it probably does feel like the world is ending right now.” Holtzmann looked up and made eye contact with the other two, she had a lone tear slowly falling from her eye, and she tried to wipe it away before the others took notice.

Patty took a step forward and laid a comforting hand atop her messy curls, “you did what you had to do, baby. There’s no reasoning with that woman sometimes but that’s all behind us, we got a new crisis right now and we all need to put our personal feelings aside and _think._ ”

o0o

Erin wasn’t sure how long she had been outside, in her mind it only felt like a few minutes but her body was telling her otherwise; her fingers and lips were rapidly turning blue, her head felt like it was splitting into two and her chest felt like it was filled with razor blades. Due to the numbing that was slowly filling her legs she had acquired quite a few bruises and cuts all over her arms, legs and face from falling down but she wasn’t giving up, not just yet anyway.

In order to avoid any onlookers wary gaze, Erin had been filtering through the back alleys and sideways behind buildings so to not arise suspicion by her hospital gown attire and rough looking exterior.

Erin kept her head low and eyes distant, her body taking over while her mind shut down. Not even flinching when she was stepping on broken glass and still hot cigarette ends; _I deserve that_ she thought to herself every time.

_You never took care of yourself before, why should you be given any mercy now?_

_Worthless and weak. That’s all you are, worthless and weak. Worthless and weak, worthless and weak._ The words continuing around in her head in a taunting loop, she had yet to realise she had arrived in an all too familiar location and ducked behind a dumpster, toying with the handgun as she waited _._

_You’re a fool to think Holzmann loves you anymore._

“But _I_ love her.” Erin’s voice was barely audible, still caught in her own mind and unaware of her whereabouts.

_And you think that means she loves you too? You’re stupid. You’re too much hassle, they’re better off without you. The sooner you leave them, the happier they’ll be._

Erin believed every damn word. She slowly began to rhythmically hit her head against the brick wall behind her; “stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…”

o0o

“Guys, it’s been a full day. I don’t know what else to do.” Abby’s voice cut through the walkie talkie, “Kevin and I are gonna head back to the firehouse, see if there’s any sign of her there.”

The team had been looking all day, they had split into two; Patty and Holtz taking the Ecto-2 and hitting all spots they think Erin might be and Kevin and Abby taking the Ecto bike and doing the less desirable job of checking hospitals and police stations, Abby even did the sickening mistake of asking at a morgue. _Never again_ she thought to herself.

 It was nearing midnight which would mean Erin had been MIA for 21 hours now; all they could do was pray she was somewhere warm; it had been a rainy day in New York and had several warnings of frost for the oncoming night.

Holtz sat in the passenger seat, Patty insisted on driving, not quite trusting Holtz to drive whilst her mind was so distracted. Holtz didn’t fight at her insistence; instead she looked at it as a better opportunity to keep an eye on her surroundings to look for clues. She currently had the window open fully despite the awful chill and spits of rain, thinking it wouldn’t bother her if it helped her find Erin faster.

They were quickly running out of options as the city filtered past them; all of Erin’s favourite places, no. All of the places she shares found memories with; no. As time ticked on Holtz became more certain that they had lost Erin to the city. As they drove, Holtz was ticking a mental checklist at every possibly significant building they drove past.

Movie theatre – no.

Library – no.

Bar – no.

Gay bar – no.

Benny’s takeout – no.

24 hour deli shop –no.

_Wait_

“Patty, pull over.”

“Why? Did you see her?”

“Just _pull over_!”

With a sudden turn of the wheel Patty steers out of her lane, this being New York makes it almost impossible to find a parking spot so she settles on double parking, knowing their car won’t get tolled – working for the government has its perks at times.

Patty climbs out of the hearse much slower than Holtz, but with her long legs it doesn’t take long for her to catch up. “Okay baby, what are we doing here? What’s going on in that big beautiful brain of yours?”

Holtz currently stood directly in front on Al’s Deli Joint, “okay, so call me crazy but this place just feels weird. This was where Erin went in the middle of the night, the night she was attacked.”

“…So…you think that she came back. With a gun. To a…deli?” Patty asked, still very unsure of why Erin would even think to come here in her state of mind.

“No, no!” Holtz bit back frantically, “She brought the sandwich back with her so it didn’t happen _in_ the store but on the walk back home. I dunno, I figured maybe she’ll come back to the scene of the accident for some closure, I guess? Look, I’m sorry, I’m running out of ideas and I’m getting desperate, let’s just scope out the area so I can check this place off the list.”

Before Holtz could start walking Patty engulfed her into a hug, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry for, baby. Remember that. I get it, you just wanna find your girl, and we all do. We can check every nook and cranny but remember; don’t apologise.” She spoke into Holtz’s curls, choking on them slightly as she breathed a few of them in, not quite getting the knack of it like Erin has…had.

With just a nod for confirmation the two untangled from each other and set off for the route it would take to get back from the deli to the firehouse, just simply walking in a tense silence.

Having felt like that they had been walking aimlessly for too long, Holtz was about to call it quits when Patty’s arm cut across Holtz’s chest causing her to stop in her tracks. “What’s that? Tell me you can hear that?” She asked Holtzmann.

They both craned their necks, not daring to breathe a sound, just listening…

 

 

 

“…stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for being gone for a thousand years. I was out of the country for a long while and even though I brought my laptop I just couldn't seem to write. I was stuck in a horrible rut but have no fear I'm slowly working my way out - I won't leave this story unfinished! 
> 
> Kudos and comments feed my soul and encourages me to write more.
> 
> Send me prompts on here or tumblr (url - ChewieDaniels) - or just pester me to write more; I'll love you either way.
> 
> But I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, I hope some of you have stayed.


	9. My Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your knickers, lads! We're about to go on a roller coaster of angst!

The ally wasn’t clean; it looked like something out of a horror movie. The damp floor was strewn with broken glass, cigarettes and other objects that belonged in a toxic waste bin. The puddles didn’t look like they only contained rain water and Patty half believed that she would stumble upon a dead body at any moment, but she soon stopped herself of thinking about the last past; she needed to carry on using the power of positive thinking…she was _positive_ she was going to stumble upon a dead body.

Patty and Holtz were still standing at the opening of the ally, they were trying to assess the situation before making their way in, and however, it was so compact with junk they couldn’t see very far in at all. The only thing confirming their possible lead on Erin was the faint but continuous “stupid, stupid, stupid…”

Holtz was torn. She didn’t want to step forward; she didn’t want to find Erin. Not here. Not like this because she knew she would find a broken woman. She wanted nothing more than to find Erin but it was almost 1am on a frosty night in New York and she was out desperately searching for her injured girlfriend after she’s been through a traumatic event. Yes, she knew she was going to find Erin but she also knew that she wasn’t going to find _her_ Erin. Not yet anyway. It would take time, a lot of patience, a lot of love, kisses and support but she will damn well help Erin become Erin again, so help her god if it’s the last thing she will do, she’ll help her. 

Patty made the first sign of movement, taking a cautious step forward being careful not to make any sound, Holtz soon followed.

Holtz’s senses were being attacked in all directions; the smell, oh God the smell! Urine was a frequent smell in New York but it certainly was more potent here, especially mixed with the other ungodly odours this ally offered. She wouldn’t dare touch anything, Holtz will be the first to say she’s not the cleanest of the bunch but she is honestly concerned about what she may contract if she lets her fingertips graze anything here. The strongest feeling she felt was her body’s fight or flight, it was telling her to run. This wasn’t a safe place to be, this wasn’t a safe place for _anyone_ to be.

Weaving through the junk filled cesspit, Patty had finally found the source of the sound. “Oh my god” she all but muttered to herself. Thinking quickly she turned, blocking the view and stopped Holtz before she saw. “Holtzy why don’t you go back to the car?” it was a lame attempt to get her to leave but it was worth a shot.

“Patty.” Holtz gave her a stern look, “why would I go back to the car? I’m not giving up”, she gave a little jump, trying to see over Patty’s shoulder but her attempt fell flat. She let out an exasperated sigh; she wasn’t interested in playing 20 questions. “What aren’t you showing me? Is she there or not?” she demanded. 

“You’ve done so much already Holtzy, you’re exhausted, go back to the car, and I’ll handle this.”

“You’ve been awake for as long as me, so why don’t _you_ go back to the car?!” she shot back, her patience growing thin, “Now, is. She. There. Or. Not?”

Patty took a second to pause before she spoke up again; “yes, she’s there but, _BUT,_ ” her arms shot out grabbing Holtzmann as she attempted to make a flee past her at this new information. She held her still in front of her as she carried on talking. “Yes, she’s there and she’s conscious but baby she ain’t _there._ She’s not all there in the head right now and you don’t need to see that.”

“But Patty, _I love her._ She’s my girlfriend, she’s the love of my life and I love her. I wanna marry her someday and when you marry someone you marry someone you marry _all_ of them, bad times and all. Seeing her like this won’t make me think any different of her, you’ve got to realise this and you’ve got know that I will get passed you and I _will_ be helping her.”

“I know you do, baby, I know. I know you love her and want to help but it’s just, I don’t want this to hurt _you._ You can’t panic, you gotta keep cool. Treat this like one of those scared kitties you always find in dumpsters, don’t be fast, don’t be loud, be cautious, and _be safe.”_

With a brief nod, Holtz understood. Patty just didn’t want seeing Erin like this to have a lasting effect on her emotional state; she knew Holtz would be blaming herself for all of this.

Patty released her restraining hands from Holtzmann’s shoulders and allowed her to pass.

Both Patty and Holtz’s heart shattered the moment they discovered Erin’s form tucked away next to a dumpster. Both sets of eyes travelled Erin’s body; taking in her vacant eyes, her hair was dripping wet and sticking to her face, she was still wearing her hospital gown but it was far from clean, it was torn in several places, had patches of dirt where she had fallen but there was a concerning patch of blood staining her side. She was covered in cuts and some bruises were already starting to form, her knees and feet seemed to have gotten the brunt of it all showing some particularly nasty marks. But finally their eyes gazed over her hands; she was still grasping that damned gun, a little bit of Holtz hoped that she would have thrown it somewhere by now, slowly and mechanically twisting in her hands. Both of the girls had come to a stop about 4 feet in front of Erin and she had still yet to realise that they were even there.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid…” Her head still rhythmically hitting the wall with every word she spoke.

“…uh, Erin..?” Patty tried but to no avail, their presence still wasn’t noticed.

“Stupid. Stupid. Stupid…” The only change in behaviour was that each word was spat out with more venom and hatred. The beating against the wall was getting harder; the two were able to hear solid knocks with each hit.

“It’s, it’s just us; Patty and Holzty here. Do you remember us?” Patty tried once more as it seemed Holtz was just too stunned to talk.

However, it appeared that just their presence themselves was agitating Erin because her jaw clenched and the words were being spat through gritted teeth; “ **Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!** ” She was growing more animalistic as her head started to give full blown smacks against the wall behind, “ **Stupid! Stupid! Stupi** —“

“Baby, it’s me.”

Holtz’s voice was barely above a whisper but it was heard. All of Erin’s movement and speech had halted, her body hadn’t relaxed, it was like was paused, she was just eerily frozen, mid-movement. There was almost a minute of silence as they wait for sign of development when slowly Erin’s head turned towards the two, the only real indication that she knew they were there, and she stared, straight through Holtzmann, the entire thing making Holtz uneasy.

 _Can she even see me?_ Holtz thought to herself. _She’s looking at me but can she see it’s me? Please, Erin. Please come back to me._

“It’s the girl.” Erin’s head cocked to the side, they could practically see the cogs turning in her mind.

“That’s it, baby it’s me. It’s your girl!” Holtz got a little too happy and took a reckless step towards Erin which only made her frantically scurry back against the hard gravel, desperate to keep the distance.

Erin brought her knees towards her chest, one hand lifted towards her hair, anxiously pulling, her face scrunching up with torment, “No. No. Not your girl. Not _my_ girl. No, no,” the hand in her hair pulled tighter whilst the hand holding the gun had white knuckles.

“…Okay sweetheart, that’s okay we can talk about that later.” It pained Holtz as each of those words left her mouth but negotiating with a woman with a gun was not an option right now.  “How about we leave here and get into the warm, huh? I don’t want you getting sick now.”

“HA!” Both Patty and Holtz jumped at the sudden change in volume, the hysteria rose as she continued. “No one cares. You get sick, no one cares. You die, no one cares. Not about Erin. No, shouldn’t care about Erin. She’s dead. Dead and gone. No, no.” Erin had moved to her feet and began pacing the small area available. “Can’t leave, oh no. Gotta stay. You go. Leave us alone. We need to stay.” Several times she had turned her back to them and they took that opportunity to take a slight step forward, not enough for any suspicion to arise, but it was still progress.

Everything in Holtz’s mind and body was telling her not to be calm but she had to fight it, she had to. Hell, Patty was even shocked at how Holtz was able to stay so calm considering all the bat-shit crazy mojo that was leaving her mouth. “…Erin, why are you here? Please…why do you have a gun?” Holtz really didn’t want to hear the answer to the latter.

Erin stopped the pacing suddenly spun round and was closer in front of her than Holtz expected; she could feel every puff of angry air that was frantically exhaled out of Erin’s nose as her teeth ground together, on closer inspection she saw that her once beautiful blue eyes that bore into her were clouded over, all colour, life and happiness gone. Stood in front of Holtzmann right now was no longer Erin, this was a predator hunting for its prey; “Them.”  

 _None of this was making any sense_. Patty and Holtz shared a brief look which confirmed they were both thinking the same thing. They were at a loss; they’ve never dealt with this before. They had a handle on mental health issues amongst the group before, yes, but not like this. This is verging on a full psychotic breakdown. Erin had a gun for fucks sake! They’re Ghostbusters, they hunt ghosts and they use proton guns to do the job, they don’t use handguns! If she’s hunting right now, why is she carrying a real gun? Surely she remembers that ghosts are not affected by that and it won’t hurt them? It only hurts the living.

Wait.

She’s not hunting ghosts.

“You’re waiting for the people that attacked you.” It wasn’t a question, but a statement. Holtz knew she was right.

Erin kept staring at Holtz as her lips slowly pulled back bearing all her teeth, “Ding! Ding! Ding!” Erin turned around waving the gun in the air in mock victory, “WOO!” and resumed her pacing once again. Her movements not that dissimilar of a cage animal pacing what little space it has in its tiny enclosure while onlookers watched and wondered if they could ever domesticate it to be able to take it home.

Another step closer was taken.

Slowly closing in, slowly trapping the animal in the corner.

“I need to do this. They told me, we’re not safe, _you’re_ not safe. No, no, no. Not when they’re around. Can’t have them around. Nope, no. They need to go.” It was unclear as to whether Erin was telling them a plan she had or if she was trying to convince herself of what she thought she had to do.

“Erin. Erin, stop and listen to me. You’re not doing this.”

“Don’t worry, they won’t hurt you, I won’t let them…I’ll make sure of that.”

“This is wrong.”

“It’s too late. You already know, everyone already knows. I promised I wouldn’t tell and now they’re coming. They’re coming to hurt you.”

“I’ll take my chances,”

“—No. It may be too late by then.”

“Then it’s too late! Now put that gun down and let’s get out of here.”

“Jillian! _Please_ , you have to let me do this,”

“No, Erin! You’re not about to kill a living person. Not to mention this would be the end of your career and a lifetime in jail. Your life will be over…”

“I don’t care about my career; I don’t care about my life.”

“Alright, you know what? This has gone on long enough, I will walk over there and wrestle that damned thing off of you and physically remove you from this ally myself.”

“Every time I shut my eyes, every time I sleep, every time I blink, I see their face. I see your face but you’re in pain. You’re in so much pain and it’s _them_ hurting you! _Every damn second_ that’s all I can see and I can’t live like that anymore…17 seconds; I could have crossed the street and walked on the side with streetlamps, it’s well lit, some people consider it safer. All of this wouldn’t have happened; those men wouldn’t have grabbed me if I was on the other side of the street. But I stayed on this side of the street, you know why? Otherwise it adds on 17 seconds to the walk home so I stayed on the darker side of the street because of an extra _seventeen seconds_. That’s it, Holtzmann; 17 seconds. I mean, that’s not even the length of a decent kiss.  So these other guys, I’m not saying they deserve to die, but _you_ deserve to be able to walk about safely and if these guys have to go for that to happen then so be it.”

“Erin, you can’t do this, they deserve a horrible punishment but you can’t just pick if someone lives or dies. They still deserve to live.”

“But **_so do you_**. So do you…And if you tell me _anymore crap_ about how their life is precious and how my life will be over I swear I will _kill you myself_ right now!”

Holtz made her voice much softer, “Erin…I’m gonna be alright…I’m not going anywhere, I’m not gonna die. You don’t have to worry.”

“… ** _What about me?!_** What about _me_ when they hurt you and I’m forced to watch as they take the life from you?”

“…Erin—”

“—NO! I get it. Okay, I get it! You’ll be okay, you’ll be fine,” Erin was growing more hysterical, the slow tears now growing into forceful sobs, “but _what about me_? What about me, Holtzmann? So let me do this. Let me make you safe. Because if you die… **you have to let me do this**. Don’t tell me you’ll be okay because you don’t know that! You don’t know that if they’re still out there! This is my fault, I told you and now they know you know and they’re coming, they’re coming to get you and I can’t let that happen!”

It was that moment that Erin lifted her white knuckled hand brandishing the gun, up and into eye view, she drew in a deep steadying breath, Holtz almost thought that Erin was calming down and coming to her senses but she couldn’t have been more wrong, the weapon was lifted, “Erin, what are you doing?”, the cold tip was pressed against Erin’s temple and Holtz’s heart stopped.

“Don’t make me live on my own in a world where you’ve been taken from me!”

Every ounce of cool that Holtz had kept throughout this entire situation had instantly left her body and she was overloaded with an array of emotions, sadness, betrayal, panic but anger was the most prominent. “No.”

The curtness of Holtz made Erin’s demeanour falter ever so slightly.

“No. You say all this and cry about how much you won’t be able to handle it if I was hurt or killed by those guys and then you turn the gun onto yourself? I don’t think so.” Being this cold with Erin right now was a risky move but the anger was bubbling inside of her and this was her last hope to get Erin to see the error of her ways.

“…Holtz, I can’t…”

It was like the conversation had suddenly flipped; “ _Please! Please!_ Do this for me and put the gun down. Nobody needs to get hurt tonight.”

It looked like Erin was cracking, was Holtz finally getting through to her Erin? She prayed she was with every breath she had.

“You don’t understand. I’m scared, absolutely terrified. All the damn time and I can’t live like this, not anymore. I love you Holtz but I can’t live my life constantly looking over my shoulder.”

“Erin. We will get these guys but some other way. We’ll go to the police, they’ll rot in jail and then you won’t be scared anymore. You don’t need to hurt them or yourself.”

“No, you don’t get it…You don’t get it. It’s not just this time. I’m scared _all the time_. All my life I’m scared. I’m scared, anxious, depressed. Scared, anxious, depressed; it’s an endless cycle I’ve been stuck in all my life and I can’t break out of it. Those guys who attacked me? They were just the straw that broke the camel’s back. Please, Jillian. I’m sick of hurting, just please; I love you, _let me go._ ”

“Erin, if you do this to yourself? _I will never be able to forgive you_.”

“…for dying?”

That’s when Holtz lost it and she was sobbing too, “No! For making me love you!” Her entire body was shaking and the words were almost being chewed up as she let out a panicked cry between each word. “Please! Please! Do this for me! Okay? Please?” She didn’t care if it was too risky, she saw Erin’s begin to drop her arm so she stepped forward. The closer Holtz stepped, the more Erin’s resolve started to waver, “Okay? I can’t do this if you leave me.” Holtz was practically on stop of Erin now, she was standing so close in front of her, and she lifted both of her hands up and rested them on either side of Erin’s face and pulling her closer, eliminating any and all space that was left between them. She rested her forehead against Erin’s, looking her dead in the eyes and she begged with everything she had left; “Please, you need to do this for me. Okay? Please?” Her words were completely unintelligible cries, even more so when she felt Erin’s arms wrap around her, pulling her closer, allowing her to bury her head in Erin’s neck as the sobs wracked her body with such forced that it caused her legs to give way pulling both of their bodies to the ground but they never let go of each other. Still remaining a big wailing tangled mess, as they both cried their hearts out.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Was all Erin was allowing herself to say, clearly she was still blaming herself for this entire fiasco, because in her mind, she was to blame. That’s just the way her mind worked; it was how she was taught to think throughout her entire childhood. It was her fault her neighbours rooster was killed by her dog which soon led to her neighbours’ death; so it was her fault that she was haunted by her for a year. It was her fault that her parents resented her, they paid for so much therapy and treatments, some even experimental… but still no matter how painful it was for her, it was still her fault that they didn’t love her; they always reminded her of that fact so it must be true.

“It’s okay, you’re okay. You can get through this, we both will. I’ll never leave you, I love you. Always have, always will.” Holtz knew that the only thing that Erin needed, besides medical attention, was reassurance. She needed to feel safe and she will certainly make sure she is even if it’s the last thing she does. The tight pressure from Erin’s arms encircling her disappeared and Holtz took that as a sign that she was ready to leave. “You’re safe, okay, Erin?” Holtz looked up with a slight smile, “Erin?”, only to see just in time as Erin’s eyes started to roll into the back of her head, “Erin!”

Her body went completely slack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos, and comments feed my black soul and actually help me write faster (yup me actually writing faster is a possible thing that could happen on this planet)
> 
> If you ever want to talk, throw me abuse for treating Holtzbert like shit (I have no regrets btw) or maybe even want to send me a prompt, then hit me up - ChewieDaniels.tumblr.com
> 
> If you can spot the Grey's Anatomy inspiration/reference then we will be great friends
> 
> Have a beautiful day and thank you for those who have still stuck by me and this story, even though I don't update it as fast as some people would like me to :)

**Author's Note:**

> I will be uploading another chapter, but if you have anything you think I can improve or you want a certain moment or whatnot added then comment and I can see what I can do :)
> 
> Thank you for taking the time of day to read! (I was nervous about posting this)


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